The Peace He Gives

  Thoughts on Singleness July 2022 I am 24 and I have never even been on a date.  “What’s wrong with me? No one has even asked me out on a date, so there must be something that I am missing, right? Is it my clothes or my hair? My personality? The way I walk, or talk? Is it that I can be a bit of a loner? Does my body, mind, or soul need to mature? Is God waiting for me to learn to be content with myself first?  I’ve heard others say: “it’s good to figure yourself out before dating someone else.” “Singleness is a time to do what you want.” “Being single is so free.” “God has the perfect one for you.” “Don’t worry, you will get married eventually.” “God is growing you (or your future spouse) until you both are ready.” The reality is I may never get married. I do not feel “happy and free” about being single.  The truth is Jesus accepts me as I am and fills in my empty places. He alone makes me worthy. In other words, nothing I do will change the fact I am single ...

 Hello friends!  As you may recall I chose to turn off the television shows for the whole lenten season. What I knew going in was that I was spending too much time watching tv as a distraction and as a time filler. What I did not know was what was going to come out of all that free time.  God knew.  First, I was at a loss of what to do with myself. Normally I turn on a show when I am eating a meal. Now, my thoughts were free to be heard and to wander in the silence; I began to turn to the last thing I expected: prayer. Meal times became prayer times. I would pray for my food, and my body, and then I would pray for my family, my friends, and anything else that came to mind. Every thought was brought before the throne of God at least twice a day if not three times, whereas before, I had prayed exaclty zero times. Did I keep a perfect streak? Absolutely not. I definitely watched movies as a distraction sometimes. I would sit there while my roommate watched her televisio...

  Lenten Season 2021 Giving up: excessive time doing homework Adding: Intentional rest time God sees my heart. He sees my tendency to idol academics; putting it first and foremost in my life above my relationships, my well-being, and even above God. God sees that when he offers me the opportunity to re-devote my life to him, I choose that opportunity faithfully, even though I still feel stressed and my mind is telling me I am “too busy”. I once heard that busy stands for “Burdened Under Satan’s Yoke.”  I want to live a full life; not a busy one.  Lenten Season 2022 Giving up: Television Adding: Prayer time Reading last years journal entry, I laugh, because now I am no longer in school, and yet I still have a problem. Even with work, I try to fill the time around it with things to keep me busy. Television is time-consuming but it leaves my soul empty and my mind numb. Working on an art project opens my soul with self-expression and gives me a sense of accomplishment when f...

 Lacking a human need vs. Diagnosis        For me, depression looks like not enjoying the things that usually bring me joy, such as an art project or writing, (which is part of why I have not been writing). I thought, with frustration, that I was falling into depression. Here is a journal entry from the other night I want to share:       "no wonder I get sad and unmotivated when I am lonely...I am not only motivated doing things for people, but rather, doing things WITH people. Life together is what we are created for. I feel no joy in doing things, even things I enjoy, when I am alone every time. I am not depressed; I simply am lacking a human need for wholeness. I lack human relation-aka-doing life with others."       If I went to a counselor, they most likely would diagnose me with depression. I would argue that this is a quick answer that does not include all the factors. Humans were created for connection. When we do ...

     A few weeks ago I began to read Genesis 1. Little did I know that this was just the beginning (pun intended) of God speaking to me about my identity and value in Him. Now, I’d love to share the journey thus far with you.  First I will start at the beginning in Genesis 1:26-27:  “ Then God said, “Let us make man in our image, after our likeness. And let them have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over the livestock and over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.” So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.”    Have you ever taken a few minutes surrounded by creation? How about in solitude? If you have, you might have experienced the beauty and awe of God’s work. Take yourself back to that place of wonder. Breath it in. Then think about this: God created you and said you are very good. Not only that, but he put you i...

Candy Story Part 2...       Today I grabbed a handful of chocolate kisses left over from valentine's day (that my mom sent me), and walked across campus to the library with the intent that I would give random people chocolate. I have this weird tendency to not want to talk to random people though, so I found myself still holding most of the chocolates when I entered the library. How do I deal with this fear? My natural instinct is avoidance. So then I walked all around the library placing chocolates at tables where people left there stuff but weren't around. I still had a few left so I finally walked up to someone I knew and gave her chocolates and we had a little short chat. Still had two left, plus one that I was saving for me.  Why is it that I was afraid to talk to people when it shouldn't be about me? Are we like this sometimes with God's love? Are we afraid to give it to others because it means we have to put the social energy forth? I know some people lov...

Story time!      One day at the library I was with my friend Micaela and I decided to buy her a snack because it was midterm season and she was tired and stressed. (College students feel me?) I brought her a Reese's and she was really thankful, and I was just feeling like it was no big deal, ya know, just wanna be nice to my friend. It felt good to do something kind and selfless . The next school day I shuffled over to the library as usual and I sat down and decided to close my eyes for a few minutes. A couple minutes into half-sleeping, I heard a really close crinkle sound so I peaked my eyes open and saw a Reese's just sitting on my desk, and I saw a different friend (let's go with Josh) walking away. I texted Micaela, and she said she was not the culprit. I went up to "Josh" and he said he got the Reese's for me "because I looked tired and like I needed it" (paraphrased). I said thank you and went off to enjoy my sugar boost. :)       Josh had no ...

Moon Clouds Devo Purpose: God is NOT a feeling. God is steadfast and omnipresent. The poem “Moon Clouds” was written during a hard season of my life. I couldn’t tell you what the current events were around me, but I could tell you what my inner world was like: It was dark and lonely and slow, like the clouds that continued to cross the sky the night I wrote the poem. I was outside on a rooftop porch on top of the dormitory building, hoping to gaze at the stars to lift or calm my stormy spirits. This was a place I came often to meet God because the heavenly lights gave me a bigger perspective of who God is. However, when I went out that night in search of His presence, I was met with clouds. I felt as though I was looking at my own mind, shadowed and near tears. (In fact, I may have been crying already). I watched and waited and listened as I prayed. I lifted my head and just then, the clouds moved aside for the moon to shine for a short moment of time. In that instant I felt God’s pres...

How do I Make Christmas...Christmas? My notebook entry on 12-24-2020 My thoughts lately… Why does Christmas feel Christ-less to me right now? I feel that it’s my fault for not spending enough time with Jesus or not being mindful about it. So then I keep asking myself “how” to keep Jesus the reason for the season. What should I be doing?  Then I realized, the answer, once again, is “nothing”. Just be. Enjoy. Count blessings. Let me expand...      I can take more intentional time to spend with Jesus. At the same time there is a balance.  I am, by nature, a doer. I like to do things and make things happen by action of my own accord or of my own words. I also don’t naturally depend on anyone. In fact, I forgot the reason for Christmas all together without even realizing it. I wanted so badly to “feel” the reason for the season that I forgot that the reason is to receive the gift of Jesus . Does anyone else relate?       Receive is a lack of actio...